Liverpool Return Faulty ‘Ox’ to Arsenal

Ox Return

Liverpool have returned Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain to Arsenal less than a month after purchasing the winger in a deal worth £35 million. An irritated Jürgen Klopp was seen loading the faulty unit into a DHL van outside Anfield this morning.

Refund

Klopp“It’s a pile of junk,” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “We read the manual twice, but everybody saw what happened against Leicester. Falling over, booting the ball into teammates’ faces, smashing crosses into orbit. That crafty Wenger shitebag, he saw us coming. I haven’t been this stitched up since Harry Redknapp sold me a Fiat Punto with a Mercedes insignia glued to the bonnet.”

“It was touch and go, finding the receipt for the Ox,” added Klopp. “I’d nearly given up when I spotted it down the back of the couch in my office. I also found a hand-drawn self-portrait of Brendan Rodgers. He’s stark-bollock naked riding a unicorn, but it’s a good likeness.”

No Refund

Wenger Press ConferenceArsène Wenger insists that Arsenal have a strict ‘no refund’ policy.

“Jürgen can shove that receipt up his hairy German arse,” the Frenchman told Soccer on Sunday. “He bought the unit as he found it. Why would I want it back? What am I going to do with an Oxlade-Chamberlain? Ask it to play football in the Premier League? Sure, sounds great. And let’s ask donkeys to fly planes while we’re at it.”

“Take it on the chin, would be my advice to Mr Klopp,” added Wenger. “We flogged you some moody junk, you got your pants pulled down, and that’s all she wrote. Deal with it and move on.”