Liverpool have completed the signing of Mario Balotelli and Andy Carroll from Nice and West Ham in a shock double swoop. Both strikers enjoyed prior stints at Liverpool — Carroll from 2010 to 2013, and Balotelli for a single season in 2014 — during which they were fan favourites.
“We had spondoolicks up the wazoo from Coutinho,” Jürgen Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “Nobody had any ideas how to spend it, so I panicked and bought Balotelli and Carroll. Is this ideal? No, of course not. They’re both shite. Is there anything I can do about it now? Absolutely not. We signed them both on 7 year deals for some reason, and made them the club’s highest earners. I’d say we’re füched. That’s German for bolloxed.”
“We still have a shedload of the Coutinho cash,” said the German. “People are going to accuse me of throwing good money after bad, but I’m tempted to bring in Charlie Adam. Carroll couldn’t score in a Berlin whorehouse, and Adam hasn’t made an assist since the time he helped the delivery man lift his sack of takeaway out of the car boot. So they’re tailor made for each other.”
“Does anyone have Rickie Lambert’s number?” added Klopp. “I need to ask him something.”