Mahrez Slams Leicester from Money-filled Jacuzzi

Mahrez in jacuzzi

Riyad Mahrez has broken his silence over his refusal to play for Leicester City. Speaking from a money-filled jacuzzi, the Algerian winger likened his treatment to that of slaves throughout history.

Criminal

Mahrez“It’s criminal,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I signed a contract with Leicester in good faith, but now the club expect me to honour it? What kind of bullshit is this? Manchester City offered me spondoolicks up the wazoo, but here I am freezing my ass off in this East Midlands shithole with barely £20 million smackaroos to my name. I’ve got a pet tiger that needs a new diamond collar, and my butler had to let his own butler go. I’m on the breadline here.”

“Slaves are treated better,” added Mahrez, putting on a bathrobe made from the fur of a freshly-killed endangered snow leopard. “I will continue to accept my salary as a gesture of goodwill towards the club, but I’m not doing a tap for it. People can call me a working class hero or whatever, and that’s fine. I’m happy to be a symbol for the downtrodden.”

Wantaway

Claude PuelClaude Puel insists that he holds no grudge against his wantaway star.

“My relationship with Mazza is fine,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I texted him this morning to see how he is. I got a handwritten reply later that day, delivered by a golden condor. It said ‘fine thanks’. Not sure why he needed the condor. We’re on the same WhatsApp group.”

“I thought golden condors were extinct,” added the Frenchman. “I accidentally backed over Mazza’s one in the car, so they might be now.”