Manchester City’s ban from European competitions has been extended to 6 years on appeal, the Court of Arbitration for Sport announced today. The club had been optimistic that the original 2 year punishment would be overturned.
“Six years?” a clearly stunned Pep Guardiola told Soccer on Sunday. “Sweet suffering holy mother of divine Christ. No disrespect, but I’m not hanging around to hoover up FA Cups and other piddly crap until my mid 50s. Fuck that. My message to our wonderful fans is, I’m out of here.”
“For sure, I will miss Manchester,” said the Catalan. “It’s a cold soggy shit hole, no? But the people are fantastic. My heart will always belong to Manchester, but now I must go somewhere that my heart belongs even more to. Probably Barcelona or PSG.”
“I would stay, but I don’t want to,” added Guardiola.