Maurizio Sarri has been sacked following Chelsea’s record-breaking 6 – 0 hammering at The Etihad this afternoon. The Italian had previously confessed to finding his players hard to motivate, and Roman Abramovich has wasted no time in swinging the axe.
“I’ve enjoyed my time at Chelsea,” Sarri told Soccer on Sunday. “Only joking. The players are lazy cunts and I’ve hated every minute of it. None of them even smoke. We have nothing in common. If I see that toxic Belgian shrimp Hazard on the way out, I’ll run him over in my volvo.”
“I’d like to thank the fans,” said the former Napoli manager. “But I can’t — they’re a shower of spoilt cockney pox bottles. I’m sure Londoners have inner beauty — at least I hope so for their sake, because most of them look like what would plop out nine months after a Klingon forced itself onto a pot-bellied pig.”
“Twelfth man?” added Sarri. “Twelfth shitebag, more like.”
According to Sarri, he’ll now spend some time at his home in Italy before considering his future.
“Yes, I will fly home tonight,” said the Italian. “I told Jorginho and Higuain, ‘Get your things, we’re leaving’. What the hell am I supposed to do with a midfield crab and an Argentinian pudding? I’ll let them shave my back and give me a few foot rubs, but at the end of the day, footballers want to play football.”