Messi Charged with Sexually Assaulting UTD Defence

Messi UTD

Lionel Messi has been arrested on suspicion of aggravated sexual assault upon a number of Manchester UTD defenders following last night’s clash at the Camp Nou. The Argentinian stands accused of violating several members of UTD’s rearguard, in what was a torrid night for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s team.


Solskjaer presser“There’s a few sore arses in that dressing room this morning,” Solskjaer told Soccer on Sunday. “You look to the officials for protection in these situations, but the boy Messi has flipped each of my lads over and smashed their back doors in one-by-one. It’s with Scotland Yard now, so there’s not much more I can say for legal reasons.”

“Where is the protection for terrible players?” said the Norwegian. “Phil Jones is drooling like an oaf this morning, and the boy Fred is waddling around like he’s trying to grip a toaster between his butt cheeks. They know they’re shite, but that’s no excuse for what Messi’s done. These lads have families, probably.”

“I haven’t checked that, to be fair,” he added.