Mesut Özil Most Likely Dead, Admit Police

Ozil Missing

Mesut Özil is unlikely to be found alive, police in London have confirmed as they scale back their search for the missing footballer who was last seen several weeks ago. Foul play is not suspected in the disappearance of the former german international.

Mystery

Emery“It’s a mystery,” Arsenal manager Unai Emery told Soccer on Sunday. “One minute he’s there, moping around training with a face like a smacked arse, and then just like that the lazy shitebag vanishes. It shows how fragile life is.”

“My thoughts and prayers are with Mesut’s family,” added the Spaniard. “It must be a confusing time for them — devastated he’s gone, but probably a bit happy too. Mesut could really suck the life out of a room.”

“We only know what the police told us,” said Emery. “Most likely Mesut was masturbating somewhere with a belt around his neck, and things got out of hand. There’s no evidence for that, but it’s a solid theory. Police think he’ll turn up in some wardrobe or other eventually. Cut him down, bury him, minute’s silence, move on. This is normal.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Mesut Özil, please contact the autoerotic-asphyxiation hotline at 1800 465 465