José Mourinho has been photographed begging for loose change from passers by outside Old Trafford. Despite spending over £300 million on players since arriving in 2016, the UTD boss has accused the club of not spending enough to compete for the Premier League.
“We need spondoolicks,” the former Chelsea manager told Soccer on Sunday. “If the tight-fisted shitebags upstairs will not open their wallets, then we must find other solutions. Paul Pogba is having a bake sale tomorrow night in Salford Elementary. His cupcakes taste like the crack of a donkey’s arse, but I am very pleased with his effort.”
“I got 20 smackaroos for my George Foreman Grill on eBay,” added Mourinho. “It all adds up. At this rate we might have a downpayment for Charlie Adam by 2035.”
Club legend Paul Scholes has accused Mourinho of making excuses.
“I’ve never heard such bollocks,” the former midfielder told Soccer on Sunday. “I bought that George Foreman Grill without realising ChosenOne1963 was Mourinho. I plugged it in and it burst into flames. Half the kitchen went up and our cat Alex Purrgeson died from smoke inhalation. Mourinho needs to spend less time peddling dodgy grills on the interweb and more time coaching.”
“I’ve had one of Pogba’s cupcakes,” added Scholes. “They taste like a badger’s flange.”