José Mourinho has confirmed that his squad will travel to home matches by moped in a bid to solve the traffic problems that have plagued Manchester UTD. The three-time champions of Europe have arrived late to their own ground on several occasions this season, culminating in a UEFA fine.
“We seem to be shite at timing when to leave,” the former Chelsea manager told Soccer on Sunday. “So I traded in the bus for a bunch of Vespas. Hopefully now we can weave in-and-out of traffic, although a certain left-footed shitebag already knocked off three wing-mirrors when we went for a spin. I fucking hate Luke Shaw. And Fellaini ran over a schoolgirl who made fun of his hair. I might not have thought this through.”
“Also, I think I had my pants pulled down on the price,” added Mourinho. “The bus was worth £1.2 million samollians, but half the mopeds won’t even start. Woodward’s going to go ape when he finds out.”