Mourinho Catapults Luke Shaw into the Sea

Shaw Catapult

José Mourinho has been criticised for catapulting Luke Shaw into the Irish Sea following Manchester UTD’s lacklustre FA Cup victory over Brighton. The Coast Guard have scaled back search and rescue efforts due to poor weather, and concede that chances of finding the English full-back alive are now slim.

Dead

Mourinho“Most likely Luke is dead,” Mourinho told Soccer on Sunday. “I’m sad for his family, but we move on. Do you think I like catapulting players into the sea? It’s the hardest part of the job. Luke had his whole life ahead of him and now he is trout food. It is a tragedy, but this is why we have a squad.”

The PFA have sharply criticised Mourinho for the manner of the killing. Eyewitnesses report that the catapult misfired several times, crashing Shaw at speed into the ground directly in front of the contraption. It was only at the fourth attempt that the full-back was hurled over the cliff edge and into the sea below, smashing into several jagged rocks on the way down.

“The device is 600 years old,” said Mourinho, in testy exchanges with the press. “I sprayed all the hinges with WD40 beforehand. Do you think you can operate it better? Manchester UTD have no pedigree in catapulting. The club hasn’t catapulted a player into the sea since Djemba Djemba in 2005, and he was splatted into a wall on the first attempt. Sir Alex had to scrape him off with a spatula. Football is not so simple as you Einsteins in the press believe.”