David Moyes has insisted that the chances of West Ham avoiding relegation this season are wafer thin. Moyes replaces Slaven Bilić, who was sacked after a poor start to the season that has left the club languishing in 18th place.
“Fans need to be realistic,” the Scot told Soccer on Sunday. “I had a similar situation with Sunderland and we got relegated, so why would it be any different this time? I’ve proven that I can’t turn something like this around. The fans, the board, the players. Everyone needs to get their heads out of their cockney arses and realise that we’re going down. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen, but it definitely still will.”
“Nervous breakdown?” added the former Everton manager. “I won’t deny that I’m in the middle of one, but that’s not my focus. My job now is to buy Fellaini in January. That’s my one idea. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll be advising the board to torch the whole club for the insurance money. I’m more than prepared to roll up my sleeves, douse the stadium in petrol and light a match.”
Marouane Fellaini insists that he will not be joining Moyes at West Ham.
“Fuck that,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I love the gaffer, but in the words of Meatloaf, I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. If he needed money or a kidney, I’d be there. But signing for West Ham is every player’s worst nightmare. I’d rather stuff myself face first into a wood chipper, and I’ve told David that. But he says that I owe him, because he taught me how to make love to a woman when I first arrived in England as a youngster.”
“I will forever be grateful to the gaffer for developing me as a footballer and a lover,” added the Belgian. “But I’m not signing for West Ham. I’d rather smear my balls in tomato sauce and dunk them into a crocodile’s mouth while tasering it.”