St James' Park

Mohammed bin Salman has confirmed that only men will be admitted to St James’ Park following his investment group’s £340 million takeover of Newcastle UTD. The Saudi prince intends to import a number of policies from his homeland.

Sisters

Salman“No women,” Salman told Soccer on Sunday. “Of course our Geordie sisters are still welcome to support the club, but set foot in St James’ Park and you’ll be flogged. Or whatever the equivalent of flogging is in England — can someone check that for me please? Hopefully it’s flogging here too.”

“Other than that, it’s business as usual,” said the royal. “Invest in the squad, improve the facilities, kill and dismember the odd journalist, and bish-bash-bosh, bob’s your uncle — win the league.”

“Might buy Sunderland too,” he added. “Join the clubs and make Sundercastle. The fans will love it.”