The offside rule will not be used for tonight’s UEFA Super Cup in Istanbul between Liverpool and Chelsea, referee Stéphanie Frappart has confirmed. The Frenchwoman is set to become the first female to officiate a major final competed by men.
“There wasn’t time to prepare,” replied Frappart, when asked why the offside rule will not be in use. “I know it’s something to do with the attacker being in the box when the defenders are somewhere else, or in the same place or whatever? Am I warm?”
“The whole team is offside if the goalkeeper sets foot outside the box without their gloves or has a beard or something,” she said. “Wait, that makes no sense.”
“It’s not offside when the ball carrier is level with the opposition dugout and never visits his mother,” added the 35 year-old. “No? Ok, his father. No? Ok, now you see the problem. Maybe if I had 6 or 7 years to prepare.”
Frank Lampard insists that his team will adapt to the lack of offside.
“No, it won’t phase us,” the Chelsea manager told Soccer on Sunday. “It’s well documented that my lads shit their pants at the first whiff of a counterattack, so it might suit us to camp out in our own box and leave no space in behind.”
“I’m one, maybe two spankings from the sack,” added Lampard. “So lady referees, dog linesmen — anything that disrupts the rhythm of the spanker and gives the spankee a chance is fine by me.”