Paul Pogba has raised eyebrows by returning to Manchester UTD first team training several stone overweight. The Frenchman has not featured since limping off with a hamstring injury during a Champions League tie against Basle in September.
“What the fuck?” a clearly shocked José Mourinho was overhead saying when Pogba arrived at the club’s training facility in Carrington. “Please tell me that isn’t Paul? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This is bad. He looks like he’s been eating a wheelbarrow of Nutella for breakfast each morning. This blimpazoid will need a forklift to go box-to-box.”
“I want that shitebag on the treatment table with a suction tube up his arse in 15 minutes,” added the Portuguese manager. “As God is my witness, we’ll suck the flobber out of him even if it brings half his organs out too.”
Former teammate Wayne Rooney has backed Pogba to make the most of his new frame.
“Football is a mental game,” he told Soccer on Sunday while devouring a three-tier wedding cake solo. “If the mind is sharp, then there’s no reason why a top class footballer can’t gorge on a family bucket of KFC 15 minutes before a crunch World Cup game against Iceland.”
“Nutrition is like Global Warming,” added Rooney. “It’s a myth made up by skinny shitebags who are too frightened to loosen their belts and eat till they puke, and then nibble at the puke, like a dog.”