Phil Jones

Club medics are still unsure whether Manchester UTD defender Phil Jones’ face will ever “ungurn”, after it froze in a gurning expression during a toilet visit at the club’s Carrington training ground. “Ungurning is very rare,” said Doctor Tom Deegan. “The next 48 hours are critical”


Toure Threatens Retirement

ToureIvorian midfielder Yaya Toure has threatened to retire from football if he does not receive a Valetine’s Day card from Manchester City in 2016. “I’m sick of it,” said Toure. “One, two years might be a mistake. But six years?” Reports suggest that flowers and chocolates might also be deal breakers


Owen Granted Bail

OwenMichael Owen was granted bail today in the ongoing case against him for public indecency. Mr Owen was arrested after a man matching his description and wearing nothing but a Newcastle jersey was filmed by CCTV performing lunges on a busy motorway outside of London