Pogba Demoted to Mascot Duties for Valencia Game

Pogba Fred the Red

José Mourinho has confirmed that Paul Pogba will start tonight’s Champions League dead rubber against Valencia as mascot ‘Fred the Red’. Mourinho had earlier indicated that the Frenchman would be among the playing staff, but his demotion to mascot duties is seen as a further cooling in the pair’s relationship.

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Mourinho“Nonsense,” Mourinho told Soccer on Sunday. “You Einsteins in the press see a 100 million pound midfielder dressed as a giant devil, and you assume it is negative. Larry who usually plays Fred the Red was beaten to death yesterday by the Spurs mascot, Dwight the White, in a blood feud dating back centuries.”

“So we needed a new Fred,” said Mourinho. “And Paul was going spare because he is shite at football. My advice to Paul is, be on your guard, because I saw the Lou the Blue, the City mascot, loitering outside with a stanley blade.”

“How long will Paul be Fred the Red?” added the former Chelsea manager. “That’s up to Paul. It could be 6 months or 5 years. He needs to prove that he can follow simple instructions. Otherwise he may die in that costume and only be discovered when Michael Carrick or some other busybody reports a smell coming from it. Then it’s a funeral for Paul, say nice things, bury him in his beloved costume, back to the conveyor belt for a new Fred, and we move on. That’s football.”