Jordan Pickford has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting Virgil Van Dijk during Everton’s 2 – 2 draw with Liverpool this afternoon. Merseyside Police now have 24 hours to question the goalkeeper.
“Obviously I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation,” Chief Inspector Paul Williams told Soccer on Sunday. “But I can confirm that we took a butterfingered shitebag into custody at 3:00 pm near Goodison Park. The suspect didn’t resist, but a few of my officers are Liverpool fans and they tasered him anyway.”
“It was a difficult arrest,” said Williams. “The suspect has arms not unlike a Tyrannosaurus Rex — too short to meet in the middle, thus ruling out handcuffs. So my officers had no choice but to beat the suspect unconscious and taser his balls 20 or 30 times.”
“I’m satisfied everything was done by the book,” added the Liverpool season ticket holder.