Premier League to Reduce Number of Substitutions from 3 to 2

Klopp

The Premier League is set to reduce the number of substitutions during a match from 3 to 2 following a review of existing rules. Jürgen Klopp is one of several managers to express frustration at recent decisions.

Hell

“We want to make it hell for the players,” said Premier League CEO Richard Masters. “Substitutions are just part of it. We’re also looking at making pitches lumpy and shit, manufacturing balls three times heavier, and reducing the number of players on a team to 7.”

“I’d also like to ban stretching,” Masters told Soccer on Sunday. “Whatever really gets those hamstrings snapping and shortens careers. People say, ‘What about player welfare Richard, you complete and utter cunt?’ But those people should watch their potty mouths.”

“No defibrillators at grounds,” he added. “Just thought of that one. Can someone write it down please?”