FIFA have been plunged into a state of panic after the State of Qatar announced a ban on football matches during the World Cup. The decision comes hot on the heels of a prohibition on alcohol.



“We must respect Qatar’s decision,” FIFA president Gianni Infantino told Soccer on Sunday. “Who are we to say that there should be football matches at a World Cup? The suggestion that fans need football matches to enjoy a football tournament is, frankly, ludicrous.”

“What?” said the 52 year-old, responding to an aide whispering into his ear. “No beer either? Oh for fuck’s sake. Ok. Give me a second.”

“Who are we to say that adults should be allowed drink beer?” said Infantino. “The suggestion that football fans enjoy a pint is, frankly, nonsense.”

“Come again?” he added, after further consultation with his aide. “They’ve banned handjobs? Jesus fucking christ. Ok. Give me a second.”

“Who are we to say that men enjoy handjobs?” he said. “The suggestion that men enjoy handjobs is, frankly, poppycock.”