Benitez

Rafael Benitez has sensationally resigned as manager of Newcastle UTD. Despite only being appointed by owner Mike Ashley on Friday, the Spaniard leaves his post with immediate effect.

Benitez reportedly made the decision after touring the facilities and briefly seeing the Newcastle squad train.

Savaged

Badger“A shambles,” the former Liverpool manager told Soccer on Sunday. “This morning I opened the trophy cabinet and a badger jumped out and savaged my leg. A whole family of them live in there. Several generations.”

“Then I saw the squad training with a rugby ball,” he added. “Steven Taylor was wearing denim jeans. Andros Townsend seemed to be playing in loafers. If the club cannot provide round balls and training gear, then I think too much is broken. I am not Spanish Jesus.”

Ashley

Newcastle Owner Mike AshleyOwner Mike Ashley has released a statement.

“On behalf of the club, I’d like to thank Rafael for all his hard work,” he said. “Everybody was impressed with Rafael’s dedication and professionalism. We wish him every success in the future.”

“The search begins now for our new manager,” he added. “Rafael has left some big shoes to fill, but we’ll leave no stone unturned.”

McClaren

mcclaren-unveilingAshley confirmed that former manager Steve McClaren will take the position of caretaker until the end of the season.

“It’s great to be back,” McClaren told Soccer on Sunday. “The batteries are fully recharged, and I’m ready to roll up my sleeves and fight for this great club.”

Rumours that McClaren has already been summoned to crisis talks, have been strongly denied by the club.