Ranieri and Wenger

Claudio Ranieri has offered to coach rivals Arsenal out of their ongoing title slump. The Italian reportedly phoned Arsene Wenger yesterday to offer his services for the remainder of the season.

Exciting

Claudio Ranieri“The fans want an exciting run-in,” Ranieri told Soccer on Sunday. “If Mr Wenger wishes, I will teach his players how not to be bottlers. The trick is to start simple. Maybe ask Danny Welbeck to carry a tray of teas across the canteen, or Jack Whilshere to parallel park at rush hour. I’m sure Danny will scald himself and Jack’s car will probably end up upside down in a canal. But you learn to cope with pressure.”

“It will be challenging,” the former Chelsea manager added. “These aren’t run-of-the-mill bottlers. Arsenal are the Harlem Globe Trotters of bottling. But with time, I can teach them not to implode every time a kitten farts sideways.”

Disrespect

WengerArsene Wenger has rejected the offer, accusing his rival of disrespect.

“I do not require help,” the Frenchman told Soccer on Sunday. “Just because we’ve imploded 12 years in a row, does not mean the same will happen next year. I’m closing in on the problem. It looks like that asshole Mourinho put some kind of voodoo curse on us in 2004. It is just a matter of hiring a Witch Doctor to sacrifice a virgin and break the spell.”

“I will source the virgin myself,” he added. “The market for sacrificial virgins is inflated, but I believe there is value if you are prepared to search.”

Revolt

RamseyAaron Ramsey believes his manager may have been hasty to reject Ranieri’s offer.

“We’re bottlers,” the midfielder told Soccer on Sunday. “Giroud burnt some toast in the canteen the other day and set off the fire alarm. The lads went to pieces. Mesut Özil jumped out a second storey window, and Jack Whilshere took a hostage at knifepoint for no reason. We need help!”