Brendan Rodgers has made it his personal mission to heal the 130 year rift between fans of Glasgow’s two largest clubs. The Celtic boss insists that he will stamp hatred out of Old Firm derbies by 2020.
“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t unite the people of Glasgow,” Rodgers told Soccer on Sunday. “People throw around words like ‘messiah‘. Honestly, I’m just here to win titles and end century-old blood feuds. Messiah, Prophet, Brendan the Redeemer — people can call me what they like. Labels don’t interest me, no matter how snugly they fit.”
“My plan is to introduce mixed seating at Celtic Park,” said the Irishman. “Sit the blue scum in with the Celtic fans. Let them get to know one another. There’ll be some deaths, but each year fewer and fewer fans will be killed. Very slowly, they’ll learn to love each other instead.”
“Or they’ll just keep killing each other,” added Rodgers. “But there’s only one way to find out.”
Graham Souness believes Rodgers’ plan is doomed to fail.
“What planet is he on?” the former Rangers manager asked Soccer on Sunday. “Has he been sniffing that tooth whitening gel? You can’t just swan into Glasgow looking like a bottle of Fanta with teeth, and start calling for group hugs. Where I lived, that kind of hippy nonsense earns you a nice, juicy headbutt.”
“I’ll gladly volunteer to nut some sense into Brendan,” added Souness. “Sometimes loafing the bridge of a man’s nose up into their brain is the only language they understand. You have to headbutt to be kind, at times.”
Rodgers himself insists that Glasgow is only the beginning.
“Palestine and Israel, India and Pakistan,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “They’ve all got outstanding character. I’ll mend those fences too before I’m done. And if I win a few football matches along the way? C’est la vie.”
“That’s French,” he added.