Roman Abramovich Has Antonio Conte Killed

Antonio Conte hit

Roman Abramovich has been sharply criticised for having Antonio Conte shot dead in the aftermath of Chelsea’s 4 – 1 rout at Vicarage Road. The Russian sent two ex-KGB agents to carry out a hit that the League Managers’ Association has branded ‘disrespectful’.

Denial

AbramovichAbramovich has denied ordering the shooting.

“Antonio Conte?” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Never heard of him. You must have the wrong club. You sure he managed Chelsea? I would never disrespect a manager by having them killed. If indeed this Conte person has been murdered, I’m quite sure the toupée-wearing shitebag deserved every bullet.”

“Good luck finding the body, by the way,” added the kindly oligarch. “It’s being chainsawed into pieces and dissolved in a bath of acid as we speak, I’d imagine, if he’s dead. Which let’s face it, he probably is.”