Cristiano Ronaldo’s hunger strike over the awarding of Portugal’s first goal in their 2 – 0 win against Uruguay has entered its second day. Officials attributed the goal to Bruno Fernandes, despite Ronaldo’s protests.


“It’s my goal,” said a weakened Ronaldo. “The ball grazed my ego, which creates a 6 inch forcefield around me at all times. If that Bruno cunt wants a dead Ronaldo on his hands, then by all means keep claiming it. Not a morsel of food will pass my lips, other than the odd Snickers from the vending machine, and a 16 inch Dominos here and there.”

“Of course, the result was the most important thing,” continued the 5 time Ballon d’Or winner. “Only joking — just give me the fucking goal, and also pass me that Toblerone. Toblerones are exempt from the strike because they are made in Switzerland, which is a neutral country.”

“What time is Dominos open?” he added. “Not until 5? Fuck’s sake.”