Ronaldo and Rangnick

Cristiano Ronaldo has fired a warning shot across the bow of Ralph Rangnick in advance of the German taking charge at Old Trafford. The 5 time Ballon d’Or winner was speaking ahead of UTD’s clash with Chelsea on Sunday.



“I respect Rangnick,” Ronaldo told Soccer on Sunday. “But he can fuck off if he thinks I’m pressing. Charging around is fine for donkeys like your Freds, your McTominfreds, your Fred Bissakas. If Rangnick wants me, I’ll be swanning around the box staring at myself on the big screen.”

“Pressing is for irons,” said the 36 year-old. “And you better believe I don’t do my own ironing. I haven’t wiped my own arse since 2003. My support staff look after my wardrobe and anal hygiene. As I say, I’m just focussed on scoring goals and not pressing.”

“What kind of name is Ralph Rangnick anyway?” he added. “Sounds like Thor’s shit cousin.”