Cristiano Ronaldo has slammed the sentence handed to arch-rival Lionel Messi following his trial on charges of tax fraud. The Argentinian is unlikely to serve jail time — an injustice, according to Ronaldo.


Ronaldo“Disgraceful,” the Madrid galactico told Soccer on Sunday. “Al Capone was sent to Alcatraz for fraud. I’m not suggesting we throw Messi into Alcatraz, but all options are on the table. We need this monster off the street. I’m not comfortable letting my son walk around knowing this criminal could be lurking on some corner, waiting to not pay tax.”

“This isn’t about Ballon d’Ors and goalscoring records,” added Ronaldo. “I’d be just as outraged if some Joe Schmoe dodged tax. The lanky guy off Stoke, for example. Paul Crouch? If Paul Crouch dodged tax, I’d want him off the street. In a cell with a high roof, I guess, or a giraffe enclosure. Whatever’s practical.”


MessiMessi believes his arch-rival is scheming to violate his parole.

“He wants me out of the picture,” the Barcelona superstar told Soccer on Sunday. “Someone keeps towing my car into disabled spaces and calling the cops, and this morning DHL delivered a kilo of heroin to my house. I can’t prove it was Ronaldo, but the package was beautifully wrapped, in scented paper, dripping with hair gel and spray tan.”

“This is all Papa Messi’s fault,” added Messi. “I left the financial stuff up to him. Until yesterday, he had me believing I was on 200 quid a week. I was buying all my shit in Lidl. Take bog roll — I had no idea I could afford the quilted stuff. There’s me cutting the arse out of myself, while Papa Messi lives it up on a yacht in the Caribbean.”


Louis Suarez has offered his unconditional support to his teammate.

“I’m here for Lionel,” Suarez told Soccer on Sunday. “I’m happy to bite some sense into Ronaldo, and Papa Messi. But if biting them will only make things worse, then I’m fresh out of ideas.”