Ronaldo and Cavani

Edinson Cavani is reportedly furious after Manchester UTD assigned him the squad number 284 for the coming season. The Uruguayan relinquished number 7 as a gesture of goodwill towards returning hero Cristiano Ronaldo.



“I’m fucking raging,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “The gaffer asked me to let Bertie Big Bollocks have the 7. Fair enough, but number 284 is embarrassing. Hilda, the canteen lady is number 283. I give everything for this club, so why am I treated like some kind of a Phil Jones?”

“It’s a disgrace,” said the 34 year-old. “My swipe card doesn’t even get me into the fancy toilets at the training ground anymore. It’s reserved for numbers 1 to 282, so me and Hilda are stuck in an outhouse with single-ply Lidl bogroll. That stuff is like sandpaper.”

“My arse is in ribbons,” he added. “So is Hilda’s.”