Cristiano Ronaldo has pinpointed the weakness in Liverpool’s team that Madrid will seek to exploit in tonight’s Champions League final showdown in Kiev. The 5-time World Player of the Year believes that Liverpool have a key vulnerability in defence.
“Your man Lovren is shite,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Seriously, what’s the story with him? When I first heard of him I thought it was a joke, because ‘Dejan’ means cross-eyed in Portuguese, and ‘Lovren’ means chimpanzee. I only found out he’s real an hour ago on YouTube when I watched highlights of Liverpool/Spurs. Seriously, was he sent by one of those ‘make a wish’ foundations? My heart goes out to him if he’s dying, but I believe sport should be left to the professionals.”
“If he’s a footballer, then I’m a Chinaman, and you can quote me on that,” added Ronaldo. “Although maybe leave out the China bit. Could be racist.”
Lovren insists that he won’t be able to brush off Ronaldo’s words.
“I’m hyperventilating here,” the Croatian international told Soccer on Sunday. “Ronaldo is literally going to target me? Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Did he seem mad up for it? Jesus Christ, has anyone seen Ragnar Klavan around the hotel? Tell him to stop horsing caramel sundaes, because I’ll be getting the shepherd’s hook after 20 minutes tonight.”
“Can someone call an ambulance?” he added. “I’m pretty sure I’m having a mild heart attack. Please roll me into the recovery position when I pass out, and maybe stroke my face a bit.”