Wayne Rooney has been forced to cycle to work following his two year ban for drink driving. The striker arrived at Everton’s Finch Farm training ground this morning on a century old ‘Penny-farthing’ peddle bike.
“I know nothing about bikes,” the former UTD captain told Soccer on Sunday. “The lad in the shop told me it’s the same model Lance Armstrong used to win the Tour de Spain. No wonder he had to take all those tin mugs, having to peddle a shit heap like this up those mountain climbs. I pulled both groins just trying to keep up with traffic on the motorway. I’ve never been beeped so many times in my life.”
“People say, ‘Why don’t you just get a taxi Wayne, you fat shitebag?'” added Rooney. “The missus won’t let me. She says I have to pay the price for drink driving. Thankfully, drink cycling is a legal grey area. I was absolutely shit-faced on the way in this morning.”
Ronald Koeman insists that the driving driving controversy is now in the past.
“Credit to Wayne,” the Dutchman told Soccer on Sunday. “He was completely shit-faced when he arrived in this morning. Drunker than usual. But there’s very little damage he can do on a bike. Yes, there was some blood and hair in the spokes, but I’m sure he just ran over a cat. If that’s human hair, then I’m a chinaman.”
“The woman who was run over by a penny-farthing this morning near Halewood?” added Koeman. “Wayne has assured me that he’s 60% sure it wasn’t him. You can’t say fairer than that.”