Roy Keane

Roy Keane writes exclusively for Soccer on Sunday. 

Wenger StressedArsenal

Put your house on The Gunners being out in front at Christmas, before shitting their pants and collapsing in February. Shower of bottlers.

Bournemouth

Eddie Howe’s team impressed everybody last season. Except me. I thought they were shite. Could struggle badly this season.

Burnley

Burnley are back in the Premier League? Really? Can someone check that? This league has gone to the dogs.

Conte CreepyChelsea

Conte seems like a nutjob, which is a good thing. I was privileged to be UTD’s nutcase for many years — it’s an important role. Chelsea should do well this season, if the players respond to random threats of dressing room violence.

Crystal Palace

You always know what you’re going to get with an Alan Pardew team. Shite football and terrible results. The Eagles will soon be The Dodos.

Everton

Golden generation my hole. This collection of overhyped little nancy boys are a disgrace. If I managed Everton I’d flog the lot of them. And by flog, I don’t mean sell. I’d take off my belt and give each of them 50 lashes on their bare, overpaid arses. 60 for McGeady.

Hull

How did Hull sneak back into the Premier League? If these clowns don’t get relegated, I’ll go on Strictly Come Dancing. You can hold me to that. I’ll even take Alfie Haaland as my partner, so long as he’s the woman.

Leicester's Claudio RanieriLeicester

Everyone has their theory about how these jammy little poxbags fluked the league last season. Personally, I believe it was a mixture of good fortune, and vast quantities of EPO being syringed into their butts. Will struggle this season, with or without the butt juice.

Liverpool

Klopp is an excellent manager, so I expect the Mersey scum to do well this season. If Sturridge can grow a pair of testicles and stop shredding his hamstring every time a dog farts sideways, Liverpool could be this season’s surprise package.

GuardiolaMan City

In Guardiola, the blue shite have arguably the best manager in the world. Pep has a job on his hands to get the best out of the fat, overpaid layabouts on City’s books, but if he can keep Sterling away from the first team, they could challenge.

Click here for part II.