Liverpool have been dealt a cruel blow with the news that Mohamed Salah will play no part in the Champions League final in Kiev later this month. The PFA Player of the Year suffered a freak injury at his house in Formby and is not expected to play again until the New Year.
“It was just one of those things,” the Egyptian superstar told Soccer on Sunday. “I was having a shower this morning and I dropped The Golden Boot onto my foot. It’s my own fault for bringing it into the shower, but I hate being apart from it. My wife told me that she won’t share a bed with a trophy, so I lifted up the side of the bed and rolled her out onto the floor. She’ll be sleeping in the shed with the kids until she apologies to the Golden Boot.”
“I’m sure the lads will do fine in Kiev without me,” added Salah. “Only joking, they’ll get murdered. Who’s going to step in for me? Danny Ings? Don’t make me laugh. Golden boot? Shit-covered Welly, more like.”
Jürgen Klopp admits that Liverpool now face an uphill task without their talismanic goalscorer.
“There is a German word,” the Liverpool manager told Soccer on Sunday. “Füked. There’s no perfect English translation, but ‘füked’ means to find oneself in a tricky situation. Are we füked? I don’t know, but we’re definitely fucked. Who will step in for Salah? Danny Ings? Let’s be serious. May as well play Danny Dyer. Without Salah, Madrid will grease their beautiful Galactico arm in lube and shove it right up our hairy, pasty white holes. This much is clear.”
“Danny Ings?” added Klopp. “Give me a break, will you? May as well play Danny Baker.”