Salah, Van Dijk and Alisson All Ruled Out with Diarrhea

Salah, Van Dijk and Alisson

Mohamed Salah, Virgil Van Dijk and Alisson Becker have all been ruled out of this afternoon’s game at Anfield against bitter rivals Manchester UTD. The trio were struck down by a bout of explosive diarrhea after sharing a takeaway from local Chinese restaurant ‘Fraggle Wok’.

Tsunami

Van Dijk“It’s heartbreaking,” Van Dijk told Soccer on Sunday. “We can only assume it was a bogey Spicebag, because one minute we’re quietly chatting about Brexit, and suddenly Mo is bolting for the downstairs toilet holding his arse with both hands. I knew he was quick, but I’ve never seen him move like that. The blend of pace and power was frightening.”

“A minute later Alisson went pale,” added the Dutchman. “Credit to Ali, he did everything in his power to make it to the upstairs toilet, and he’s fallen half a yard short. It shows how fine the margins are at this level.”

“By then I’ve twigged what’s happening,” said the former Southampton defender. “So I get myself up to the En Suite early doors, brace my hands and feet against the wall on either side and being to pray. But not even God could stop what was coming.”

Difficult

KloppJürgen Klopp admits that the challenge facing his side has grown.

“I’m sure we will cope without the three guys,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Only joking, we’re absolutely fucked. Who’s going to step to the plate, as you English say? Mignolet? Lovren? Don’t make me laugh. Those guys are wonderful human beings and I’m sure they have many talents, but they are horrible footballers. The hounds in the estate know this, as you English say.”

“We must be smarter in the future,” added the German. “Ordering from Fraggle Wok is always a risk, which is why I tell the  lads to phone Wok Like an Egyptian instead.”