Sam Allardyce in Shock Real Madrid Appointment

Big Sam Madrid

Real Madrid have sent the football world into a tailspin by announcing the appointment of Sam Allardyce on a 3 year contract. The former Everton manager was not publicly linked to the role vacated by Zinedine Zidane last week, but the Spanish club confirm that negotiations took place under wraps for several days.

English

Big Sam“I’m looking forward to putting my stamp on the club,” Allardyce told Soccer on Sunday. “English will be the language in the dressing room, obviously. That might ruffle a few feathers with some of these foreign types. I haven’t the time to learn foreign, so the mountain will have to come to Mohammed. C’est la vie. That’s foreign for something or other.”

“Too much fannying about,” added Allardyce, when asked for his thoughts on the Madrid style of play. “There’s a perfectly good sky above the grass, so why isn’t the ball in it? If Luka Modric had to get from Dudley to New York, would he go by land or air? By gum would he go by land. So why do I see him week-in week-out at the Barney Bow, fannying about like a poncey little Frenchman?”

Confused

RonaldoSuperstar striker Cristiano Ronaldo admits to being confused by his new manager’s ideas.

“I had a thirty minute conversation with Large Sam,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “He called me when I was at the eyebrow salon and explained his vision. Something about fannies, and wanting less fannies. I googled fanny and it means a woman’s vagina, or in America it means an arse. I think the gaffer might be inviting me to some kind of orgy.”

“I’ve been down this road before with Benitez,” added the five time world player of the year. “He invited me to an orgy but it turned out to be just himself and his wife, and she left after a while. Longest weekend of my life. I respect Large Sam, but he needs to keep his stubby, kebab-stained fingers to himself.”