Jordan Henderson has insisted that a proposed transfer to Steven Gerrard’s Al-Ettifaq is not about financial enrichment. The Englishman will reportedly quadruple his salary if the deal concludes.


“Money doesn’t motivate me,” said Henderson while Lamborghini-shopping in a coat made from the fur of the last known and now extinct Guatemalan mink. “So long as I can put food on the table, have a roof over my head, spondoolicks up the wazoo, and an army of butlers catering to my every whim, then I’m still just regular old Jordy from Sunderland.”

“Material things don’t make me happy,” said the 33 year-old while being carried by 6 undocumented servant girls to the toilet of the Lamborghini showroom.

Post-poo, the eldest of the servants proceeded to wipe the midfielder’s rectum with a series of crisp £500 notes until all traces of faeces were removed.

“At the end of the day, it’s the little things that matter,” added Henderson, boarding a helicopter to fly from the roof of the Lamborghini showroom to the roof of the Ferrari showroom immediately next door.