Scientists have confirmed an apparent link between the threat of contracting Covid-19 and the looming possibility of relegation from a club’s league. The study vindicates affected clubs, many of whom have been vocal critics of ‘Project Restart’.
“The science is fairly clear,” said Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty. “The shitter the club, the higher the risk. For example, a club like Aston Villa should take every precaution, because they’re horrendous at football. Embarrassing even. And that obviously increases the risk.”
“We don’t know yet,” replied Whitty, when asked why relegation-threatened clubs are vulnerable. “Perhaps the same gene that makes a person terrible at football, also somehow opens the door for Covid-19? We’ll probably have to study West Ham to be sure.”
“The message is clear,” added Whitty. “If you’re not better at football than Robert Snodgrass, please stay home.”