Old Trafford

Sheikh Jassim bin Hamad al-Thani has vowed to ban alcohol from Old Trafford if his bid for a 100% stake in the club succeeds. The Qatari royal and Sir Jim Ratcliffe have both made formal offers for the Premier League giant.


“No booze,” His Highness told Soccer on Sunday. “Old Trafford will be a teetotal paradise, as God intended. Fans will be breathalyzed at the turnstile and flogged if their blood alcohol level is above 0%. They may also be denied entry and possibly hanged. All options are on the table.”

“Women will be welcome in Old Trafford,” he said. “Not during matches obviously, but a male guardian will be permitted to describe the highlights of each game no sooner than 40 days and 40 nights after the final whistle, in accordance with scripture. You can’t say fairer than that.”

“Someone bring me this Sheikh Alex Ferguson,” he added. “I need to talk to him about renaming his stand to something catchier, like the Sheikh Jassim bin Hamad bin Abdullah bin Jassim bin Mohammed Al Thani Stand. I’m just spitballing here.”