Slaven Bilić was flogged this morning at the London Stadium after West Ham’s poor start to the season continued. The Hammers fell 3 – 0 to Premier League new boys Newcastle United, spurring owner David Sullivan to order the controversial punishment.
“Sometimes you can’t win,” the billionaire told Soccer on Sunday. “The same people saying ‘you can’t flog a manager’ would criticise me if I sacked the lad. Then there’s others saying we should have used a Whipmaster 5000 instead of a flimsy whip from Lidl. And then I’ve got the lovely Mrs Bilić crying on the phone, saying that my goons broke an expensive lamp when they dragged Slaven out of his bed at 4:00 am. How do you balance all these concerns?”
“People are talking like we gave the lad 50 lashes,” added the former soft porn baron. “He only got 45, and 45 lashes never killed anyone. Except Frank the kit man after he dropped his wife’s bra in with the wash and turned the jerseys pink. But in fairness, Frank hadn’t been well.”
Bilić himself has dismissed the punishment.
“It was just a bit of a flogging,” the Croat told Soccer on Sunday. “Some Savlon, a few skin grafts, sleep on my front for a year or two and we move on. We’ve lost three games on the bounce. I’d flog me, if I was the owners. And a little flogging every now and then never killed anyone, if you don’t count Frank. And Frank had been a little under the weather, in fairness. His sinuses had been at him.”
“My only regret is that I cannot flog the players,” added Bilić. “I’d flog the hole off Joe Hart if I could. I’d flog his hole raw. All the skin and that downy blonde bum fluff, gone. But these days you’d have the PFA down on you like a tonne of bricks. That’s the modern game for you.”