Solskjaer Admits Giving Handjobs to Put Smiles Back on Faces

Solskjaer

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has admitted using handjobs to coax smiles back onto the faces of some Manchester UTD players. The caretaker manager is gaining rave reviews for lifting the mood around Old Trafford since the departure of José Mourinho.

Handjobs

Ole“Every player is different,” the Norwegian told Soccer on Sunday. “Some need an arm around the shoulder, others need a handjob. Whatever’s needed to put a smile back on these players’ faces short of full-blown sex, my job is to do it.”

“Not everyone likes the tactile approach,” said Solskjaer. “When I gave Antonio Valencia a handjob, he thought it made him gay or some nonsense like that and he beat me unconscious with a wheel brace. As I say, these things happen in football.”

“Believe me, I have a hairdryer too,” added the former striker. “If anybody thinks it’s all just smiles and handjobs, they’re sadly mistaken. But it’s about knowing when to come down hard on a player, and when to walk around the desk and snake your hand into their pants for six or seven minutes without breaking eye contact or blinking.”

Coddled

Keane intenseRoy Keane has slammed the Manchester UTD players, whom he insists are among a new generation of coddled superstars.

“Prima Donnas,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Why do you need a handjob to perform? Where’s your pride? It shouldn’t matter who the manager is. You do it for your club, your family, the fans. Not because the manager has thrown Careless Whisper onto the stereo and slipped his hand into your Y-Fronts. Absolute nonsense.”