Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has admitted to feeling devastated upon learning of Phil Jones’ contract extension. The English international signed a new deal today that will keep him at Old Trafford until 2023.
“I’m numb,” the Norwegian told Soccer on Sunday. “Obviously having Phil Jones is every manager’s worst nightmare. I only had two conditions when I took this job. Get rid of Phil Jones, and paint over the naked mural of José Mourinho in my office. Well, now Jones is staying put and I’m still looking at Mourinho’s enormous ring-a-ding-dong when I arrive each morning. Woodward’s stitched me up a kipper, to be fair.”
“My knees buckled when I heard,” added Solskjaer. “Vera from reception offered me a brandy. I said, ‘Woodward’s given Phil Jones a new deal — I’ll need something stiffer than brandy Vera, you dozy mare.’ She swans into my office an hour later with a bag of heroin, and now the police are involved. Not the brightest, Vera. A touch of the Phil Joneses about her.”
“We’ll just have to make do with Jones and Lindelöf,” said the former striker. “The Terrible Twosome, I call them. Because they’re shite.”