Gareth Southgate has insisted that fans do not necessarily want to see the national team scoring goals. England have found the net only once in their last 3 games and sit bottom of their Nations League group.



“Some fans enjoy goals,” the England boss told Soccer on Sunday. “Others find them boring. Cagey nil-all draws happen to give me an enormous throbbing erection, but I recognise that not everyone finds them arousing. Variety is the spice of life, erection-wise.”

“No, I don’t think that’s accurate,” said Southgate, when asked if he is using erections merely as a metaphor. “Tactically disciplined, goalless performances engorge my penis with half a pint of blood, stiffening the shaft. I’m not a doctor or a hornologist, so that’s as best as I can explain it.”

“Everyone’s different, but I find goals a turn off,” he added. “Which is to say they dis-engorge my penis. Again, I’m not a cockologist, so I might not be using the right terms.”