Gerrard Everton

Steven Gerrard has been appointed manager of Everton Football Club on a 3 year deal following the sacking of Frank Lampard. The 42 year-old is a shock choice, given his iconic history with local rivals Liverpool.


Gerrard Interview“An opportunity too good to turn down,” the former Liverpool captain told Soccer on Sunday. “I can’t say that it’s an honour to manage the blue scum. There’s a part of me that wants to burn my clothes and scrub my body clean with a Brillo pad.”

“The stench of Everton,” said Gerrard. “It gets into your pores. Everything smells like Tony Hibbert. I walked through the door this evening and the missus shouted, ‘Don’t you walk in here smelling of Tony Hibbert.’ I had to eat my dinner in the shed.”

“It’s win-win,” he added. “Gain valuable experience, and get the blue scum relegated. If we win a game I’ll be disappointed, so I’ll probably not tinker with much of what Frank put in place. Just a few tweaks here and there to make the team even shitter.”


Kenwright Thumbs UpToffees Chairman Bill Kenwright insists that the deal was straightforward.

“The red shitebag kindly came to my house yesterday afternoon,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “We talked for a while about football, I outlined my feeling that he is scum, he said that he feels the same about me, we bareknuckle-boxed for several minutes and then shook hands on a deal. All very simple.”

“I’ve scrubbed and scrubbed my hands,” added Kenwright. “But the bang of Phil Coutinho off them is sickening. I came to bed last night and the missus shouted, ‘Don’t you be coming near this bed with those filthy Phil Coutinho paws’. I had to sleep on the couch.”