Steven Gerrard Appointed New Everton Manager

Gerrard Everton

Steven Gerrard has been appointed manager of Everton Football Club following the sacking of Ronald Koeman this week. Gerrard will leave his coaching role in the Liverpool academy to take up a position that he concedes will be controversial with both sets of fans.

Opportunity

Gerrard Interview“The opportunity was too good to turn down,” the ex-Liverpool captain told Soccer on Sunday. “I can’t say that it’s an honour to manage the blue scum. There’s a part of me that wants to burn my clothes and scrub my body clean with a Brillo pad. The stench of Everton. It gets into your pores. Everything smells like Tony Hibbert. I walked through the door this evening and the missus shouted, ‘Don’t you walk in here smelling of Tony Hibbert.’ I had to eat my dinner in the shed.”

“It’s win-win,” added Gerrard. “Gain valuable experience, and get the blue scum relegated. If we win a game I’ll be disappointed, so I’ll probably not tinker with too much of what Ronald put in place. Just a few small adjustments here and there to make the team even shitter.”

Deal

Kenwright Thumbs UpToffees Chairman Bill Kenwright insists that the deal was straightforward.

“The red shitebag was kind enough to come to my house yesterday afternoon,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “We talked for a while about football, I outlined my feeling that he is scum, he said that he feels the same about me, we bareknuckle-boxed for several minutes and then shook hands on a deal. All very simple.”

“I’ve scrubbed and scrubbed my hands,” added Kenwright. “The bang of Jerzy Dudek off them is sickening. I came to bed last night and the missus shouted, ‘Don’t you be coming near this bed with those filthy Jerzy Dudek paws’. I had to sleep on the couch.”