Steven Gerrard Appointed Newcastle Manager on 4 Year Deal

Gerrard Newcastle

Steven Gerrard has been appointed manager of Newcastle UTD on a 4 year deal worth a reported £6 million per-year. The Liverpool legend will fill the vacancy left by his own former manager Rafa Benitez, having cut his managerial teeth with Glasgow Rangers last season.

Vision

Gerrard Interview“Why Newcastle?” Gerrard told Soccer on Sunday. “The fans, the facilities, the city, the owner — all reasons to run a mile from the job, obviously. But I sat down with Mike and he outlined his vision before necking a bottle of gin and passing out in a puddle of his own piss. I shook his hand and rolled him into the recovery position. It was all very straightforward.”

“I can’t wait to get started,” said the former Liverpool captain. “Obviously you wouldn’t bring kids to a place like Newcastle, so it’ll be tough without my family. But it’s my job now to tear down everything Rafa built and squeeze something that resembles football out of this squad of uncoordinated oafs.”

“And Shelvey,” added Gerrard.

Diamond

Mike AshleyMike Ashley admits that he was impressed during his discussions with Gerrard.

“Steve’s a diamond geezer,” the billionaire businessman told Soccer on Sunday. “He could have done a Walter White and let me choke on my own puke — rolling me into the recovery position was a touch of class. Shows character, in my book.”

“I promised Steve he’ll have money to bring players in,” added Ashley. “Which he won’t, obviously. It’s important to break that trust early doors with a few porkie pies, I find.”