Ed Woodward has admitted that the club may need to cull a group of terrible managers who have been loitering outside Old Trafford since the sacking of José Mourinho.
The awful managers, all of whom played under Sir Alex Ferguson, have spent several days shuffling around the stadium, sniffing passers-by and occasionally feasting on stray dogs.
“It’s sad,” Woodward told Soccer on Sunday. “I respect all of the terrible managers who once played here. Keane, Bruce, Hughes, Ince, Giggs, Neville, Butt, Shitter Neville — they all worked with Sir Alex for decades and steadfastly refused to learn a single thing from him. It’s rare to find that kind of pig-headed, bog-brained stupidity shared among so many individuals, so culling them with chainsaws will tug at the old heartstrings.”
“Ole Gunnar has all the tools to mature into a horrible manager too,” added the Chief Executive. “He’ll probably join the others outside when this caretaker brainfart goes tits up. Hopefully we’ll have their numbers under control by then, and we won’t need to chainsaw off Ole’s head. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t on the cards though.”
Midfield legend Paul Scholes has criticised the proposed cull of his former teammates.
“Just get on with it,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “Don’t get me wrong, nobody likes to see ex-players being beheaded with chainsaws. They’re good lads and they all have families. But I’m hearing all this talk of chainsawing, and what I’m not seeing is chainsawing. This is Manchester UTD we’re talking about. Just fire up the chainsaw and start beheading.”