Big Virg

Virgil Van Dijk has insisted that the 4 stone he has gained since suffering an ACL injury will not affect his long-awaited comeback. The defender looked visibly chunkier during a 20 minute appearance against Hertha Berlin.

Nutella

“I’m fine,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “It’s well documented that I’ve lost the run of myself with Nutella because of that Pickford cunt, but I’ll tailor my game now to let the ball do the work. It’ll have to, because my cankles will snap like twigs over anything longer than 5 yards.”

“Probably not,” said the 30 year-old, when asked if he might lose the weight. “They say when you get the taste for Nutella, you don’t lose it. A bit like when a wild animal gets the taste for human flesh. There’s no going back, to be fair.”

“Can someone run down to Tesco and get me 4 jars of Nutella?” added Van Dijk. “The large ones.”