Virgil Van Dijk on Crutches

Virgil Van Dijk has been ruled out for the rest of the season with a broken foot. The £75 million defender suffered a freak injury during a promotional tour of Liverpool’s Anfield stadium, and is now not expected to debut for his new club until Christmas 2018 at the earliest.


Mignolet“It was just one of those things,” Simon Mignolet told Soccer on Sunday. “Myself, Milly and Hendo were showing Virg around for a few publicity photos. We took the 2005 Champions League trophy out of the cabinet for a group shot, and it’s slipped out of my hands and landed on Virg’s foot. As I said, it was just one of those things. My heart goes out to the lad, but these things happen in football.”

“I told Virg it’s his job now to come back stronger than ever,” added the veteran goalkeeper. “But he just looked into my eyes and said, ‘You butterfingered Belgian shitebag’, and started to strangle me. Hendo and Milly jumped on his back to try and drag him off, but he shook them loose and beat the two of them unconscious with the Champions League trophy. Handbags, to be fair.”


KloppJürgen Klopp admits that he now has an injury crisis on his hands.

“Simon has a crushed windpipe,” the German told Soccer on Sunday. “This is normal, his teammates often try to strangle him. Milly is in a coma, so our thoughts and prayers are obviously with Milly’s family. Hendo is awake but believes he is a velociraptor. We’ll feed him live goats for the next two or three weeks and monitor the situation. Virg, you know the situation with his foot, and Flanagan is on the rampage again.”

“Sturridge is obviously injured too,” he added. “I think. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I saw Daniel. Can someone check if we sold him, or if he retired or something?”