Video Assistant Referee Charged with Sexual Assault

VAR assaulting Sanchez

The FA is reeling from news that one of its Video Assistant Referees has been charged with sexual assault. Footage clearly shows the Refbot 9000 fondling the buttocks of Alexis Sánchez as the Chilean was substituted during his Manchester UTD debut against Yeovil Town.

Apology

“We can only apologise,” FA chairman Greg Clarke told Soccer on Sunday. “Believe it or not, the Refbot 9000 is the least randy model we’ve produced. The Refbot 8000 would masturbate at crucial moments and miss key decisions, and the Refbot 7000 raped a hedgehog. So we are making progress. For example, the Refbot 9000 broke down crying after it fondled Mr Sánchez. It felt remorse.”

“Will we ever produce a Video Assistant Referee that’s 100% free of raunchiness?” added Clarke. “No, that’s unrealistic. All we can do is keep the fondling to a minimum.”

Unsettled

SanchezAlexis Sánchez admits that the incident unsettled him.

“The FA must do more to control their Pervbots,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I can handle a bit of a fondle, but that thing has been standing in a bush outside my house every night since, staring up at my bedroom window. I got a romantic card through the letterbox yesterday that said 100001010101110010010101010100101, which apparently is binary for ‘Send me a picture of your human penis’. It’s not right.”