Watford City

Watford FC have sensationally withdrawn from the Premier League after their 8 – 0 drubbing at the hands of champions Manchester City yesterday. The Hornets lay rooted to the foot of the table when owner Gino Pozzo contacted the FA to formally withdraw his club.


Gino Pozzo“It’s for the best,” the Italian businessman told Soccer on Sunday. “Pep’s boys bent us over, strapped one of those red ball-gags into our mouth and violated us in front of the whole world. So I pulled the club out of the league to give the stitches in our arse time to heal.”

“I’m speaking in metaphor, you understand,” added Pozzo. “Nothing sexual happened on the day, if you don’t count Troy Deeney forcing Tom Cleverley to sponge his back in the shower. I think that’s more about dominance than sex with Deesey and Tomo, to be fair.”


GuardiolaGuardiola admits that he’s delighted to have beaten Watford out of the competition.

“It’s a wonderful tribute to my players,” the former Barcelona manager told Soccer on Sunday. “At six-nil we had them bent over with their arse in ribbons. Kevin De Bruyne looked over to the bench as if to ask, ‘Should we stop?’ ‘No,’ I shouted. ‘Keep thrusting until something ruptures in their arse and they are dead.'”

“I’m obviously speaking in metaphor,” added Guardiola. “No sexual line was crossed, if you don’t count the Deeney/Cleverley thing. And I’ve heard that’s mostly about dominance, no?”