Wenger and Barcelona

Arsene Wenger has accused UEFA of not going far enough to tackle Performance Enhancing Coaching. The Arsenal manager has been a longtime critic of cheating in various forms.

Doping

Wenger“It is Coaching Doping,” the Frenchman told Soccer on Sunday. “Barcelona are coaching children to do the right things, which means they grow up to be brilliant players. How are we supposed to compete? Those are the same years we spend teaching kids how to panic, and be bottlers.”

“If UEFA won’t clamp down, then at least force clubs to share their secrets,” he added. “Theo Walcott has been sprinting in a wind tunnel for 2 hours a day since 2005. Sometimes we smear him in bacon and add a rottweiler, but if there is a better way to coach a turbocharged donkey it should be shared.”

Detection

Wenger believes that Performance Enhancing Coaching is easy to detect.

Arsenal's Olivier Giroud“Roll a simple ball to Olivier Giroud,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “See how it rebounds off his shin and smashes into his own face? The nose starts to bleed, his teammates wish to kill him. This is a clean player. There is no trace of coaching.”

“Pass the same ball to Andrés Iniesta and he will control it without suffering facial injuries,” added Wenger. “I’m not ruling out some kind or radioactive superpower, but my first suspicion is coaching.”

Scandals

Wenger insists that Performance Enhancing Leader and Performance Enhancing Transfer scandals also lie ahead.