Ask Joe Kinnear

How do you feel the modern game compares to your own day Joe?  Sid, Shefield C*nts today got no respect. Simple as. Time was you’d murder a c*nt in an…

Klopp performs miracle

Jurgen Klopp has performed his first confirmed miracle at Liverpool football club. “We couldn’t start training, because the ball was flat,” said eyewitness Jordan Ibe. “So the gaffer lays his hand…

Ask Tim Sherwood

Answering readers’ questions this week, is soon-to-be former Aston Villa manager Tim Sherwood.   How come you never smile Tim?  Frank, Birmingham I can’t afford to let my intensity drop, even for a second. I…

Kim Jon Un calls Sepp Blatter a ‘Dictator’

Sepp Blatter has been labelled a ‘Dictator’ by Kim Jong Un. “Where’s the transparency?” asked the North Korean supreme leader. “This Blatter guy is taking the piss. He’s accountable to nobody,”…

Allardyce slams God

Sam Allardyce has slammed God in the latest extract from his forthcoming autobiography, ‘Big Sam’. Describing the seven days taken to create the earth as “fannying about”, Allardyce highlighted a number of ways…

Ask Brendan Rodgers

Balotelli. Seriously, what the fuck Brendan? Steven, Liverpool Yes, that’s an outstanding question. Mario worked very hard, and obviously he didn’t score as many goals as he would have liked.…

Mourinho on borrowed time?

Showdown talks between Roman Abramovich and Jose Mourinho reportedly reached an impasse yesterday, when Mr Abramovich produced a small pistol from a holster on his ankle and shot the employee who had been…

Sherwood: Winning isn’t Everything

Tim Sherwood has told his players that they shouldn’t unduly worry about the prospect of relegation this season. Aston Villa have endured a difficult start to their campaign, and many…

Klopp chases Dejan Lovren into nearby forest

Manager Jurgen Klopp has wasted no time stamping his authority at his new club. Fifteen minutes into his first training session, the charismatic German reportedly chased under-fire defender Dejan Lovren…